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Frater Invictus - Dolcere et Dulcere

pay your respects to the vultures, for they are your future.

Fred Mephisto
1 May 1978
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"All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go. I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention. I believe that someone should become a person like other people."
- Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver

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I cannot tell you my story without reaching a long way back. If it were possible, I would reach back farther still - back into the very first years of my childhood, and even beyond them into distant ancestral past...

Novelists when they write novels tend to take an almost godlike attitude toward their subject; pretending to maintain a total comprehension of the story - that of a man's life - which they can therefore recount as God himself might. As if there were nothing to stand between the narrator and the naked truth the entire story; meaningful in every detail.

I am as little able to do this as the novelist is, even though my story is more important to me then any novelist's is to him - for this is my story; it is the story of a man, not of an invented or possible, or idealized, or otherwise absent figure, but a unique being of flesh and blood. Yet, what a real living human being is made of seems to be less understood today then at any time before, and men - each one of whom represents and valuable experiment on the part of nature - are therefore shot wholesale nowdays. If we were not something more then unique human beings; if each one of us could really be done away with for once and for all by a single bullet, storytelling would lose all purpose.

But every man is more then just himself; he also represents the unique; the very special and always significant and remarkable point at which the world's phenomenon intersect - only once in this way - and never again like this.

That is why every man's story is important, eternal, and sacred. That is why every man, as long as he lives and fufills the will of nature, is wonderous and worthy of every consideration. In each individual the spirit has become flesh; in each man the creation suffers; within each one is a redeemer nailed to the cross.

Few people nowdays know what man is. Many sense this ignorance and die more easily because of it; Much in the same way that I will die more easily once I have completed this story....

I do not consider myself less ignorant then most people. I have been, and still am, a seeker. But I have ceased to question stars and books; I have now begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me...

My story is not a pleasant one; it is neither sweet nor harmonious, as invented stories are; it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, and of madness and dreams -- like the lives of all men who stop decieving themselves.

Each man's life represents a road toward himself; an attempt at such a road - the intimation of the path. No man has ever been entirely and completely himself. And yet each one strives to become that - one in an awkward, the other in a more intelligent way, each as best as he can. Each man carries the vestiges of his birth - the slime and eggshells of his primeval past - with him, to the end of his days. Some never become human, remaining frog, lizard, or ant. Some are human above the waist and fish below. Each represents a gamble on the part of nature in creation of the human. We all share the same origin, our mothers; all of us came in at the same door. But each of us - experiments of the depths - strives towards his own destiny.

We can understand one another, but each of us is able to interpret himself, to himself alone.

- Hermann Hesse
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